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“Let that meek (quiet) darkness be your whole mind and like a mirror to you. For I want your thought of self to be as naked and simple as your thought of God, so that you may be with God in spirit without fragmentation and scattering of your mind.”
THE BOOK OF PRIVY COUNCIL , Author Unknown (same as THE CLOUD OF UNKNOWING)
“Do not imagine that when I call it a darkness or a cloud that it is a cloud amassed with vapours that float in the air, or a darkness such as you have in your house at night, when your candle is out, for such a darkness. With little imagination you could picture the summer skies breaking through the clouds or a clear light brightening the dark winter. This is false, it isn’t what I mean for when I say “darkness” I mean a lack of knowing, just as whatever you do know or have forgotten is dark to you, because you do not see it in your spiritual eyes. For this reason, that which is between you and your God is termed, not a cloud of the air, but a cloud of unknowing.”
THE CLOUD OF UNKNOWING, Author Unknown
Cloud of Unknowing is an ancient text and may be, some say, the origin of contemplative practice and dialogue within the Christian faith–we know meditation, contemplation, and philosophy around it is an ancient practice worldwide.
The Sufis did it, the Kabbalists did it, the Buddhists did it, the Mystics were everywhere, all over the globe and in every faith practice doing it. But what is it? Ah, the hard part. Deep inner silence, spiritual and corporeal centeredness, listening and hearing, and as always dealing with the “unknowing” of it all.
Whether we are deep in addiction, eating disorders, PTSD, or any disordered plane of existence we are plagued by the known demons and enemies in our minds, hearts, and souls. Part of addiction rhetoric says, “Let go and let God.” Mantras become mantras because they are so simple, succinct, and right on. This is no exception. Whether you believe in God, a universal force, or just human morality there is a part of us all that want to hold on to what we KNOW in life, about life, about ourselves. Knowing is comforting, even when, and it often is, it’s misleading.
When we KNOW we have no room to GROW. Unknowing however, as uncomfortable as it may be, leaves us ripe and ready for growth, change, and expansion beyond anything the known could ever provide. I say this with all humility as I struggling with my own battle of unknowing in my life right now. How I hate it! And how I love it! Maddening tis’nt’ it!
Can you spend a minute, an hour, a day intentionally “unknowing”? Undoing all the dogmas, preconceptions, all the stuck-ness, ruts, predispositions….and just LET GO! Give it a shot–it is scary like falling but also freeing like flying.
I am paragliding my way through the present, coasting across the sky to an unknown landing zone. We will see where it leads. Follow you own wind, paraglide into your own unknowns….and I hope everyone has a lovely weekend!
Where then, you say shall I be?
Nowhere by this tale!
Exactly you say this well,
for there would I have you.
For nowhere physically is everywhere spiritually.
THE CLOUD OF UNKNOWING, Author Unknown
I always loved the chewy taste of a rare, juicy, meaty steak and even when I would have “bouts” of vegetarianism for a week or a month I always said it was just for healthful purposes, I wasn’t one of those people who wouldn’t eat meat because it was mean to the animals because it seemed an unrealistic premise–we were born omnivores. Recently I have been having a change of heart and stomach.
The steps on this journey are as follows:
- Watching the movie “Avatar” of all things and being reminded of the ancient, native traditions of blessing all animals that give us food and killing them in kind ways (reminiscent in the movie of Native American traditions where the animal is given a blessing as and after it is killed).
- Reading John Robbins (heir to the Baskin Robbins throne) Food Revolution which was by mandate for yoga school but brought me to a new consciously aware place about what I eat, where it comes from, what that food can do to me, and what was done to it before it got to my plate.
- The desimation of our Iguana population at work by people poaching them for food.
- And Max The Duck who wanders in front of our door (at work) with more and more frequency and who I find myself conversing (well briefly) alone with at 730am when I come from meditation to work very early and he is waiting hungrily for the crackers I feed him.
My realization that my consciousness about what I am doing and what is being done to others calls me to see that as a real piece in the process before my trip to the supermarket for plastic wrapped limbs. My learnings from yoga school to the amazing lecture by Richard Rohr who was introduced at the beginning of his lecture on his new book The Naked Now as part contemplative mystic and a proponent of eco-spirituality. He spoke about all the same wisdom as my yoga teacher in terms of our relationship and treatment of the world around us and how reflective it is of our inner selves–how neglect of these things are as much spiritual void as nature negligence.
My world and life, as it often works, seems to be circling back to an eco-friendly framework. One that spans beyond just recycling when I can and trying to be sustainable in a small scope. In a world where livestock has become an industry of warehousing and cruelty unless I plan on building a humane farm for one there is no way to really participate in mainstream omnivore lifestyle without being an affront to consciousness and conscience-ness.
This is of course a personal plight and journey and I by no means want to send waves of negativity towards the vibrantly carnivorous among us (ahem, my husband). I have not decided yet how this new attempt at gastronomy is going to go or what I am going to leave on the table–literally or figuratively.
What I do know is that I will have to do whatever I do with awareness and mindfulness of what I know and not be capricious about eating at any level. I think it is, also, no random coincidence, that my dietary suggestions for my chronic illness (endometriosis) include avoiding, if possible, most meat and most dairy altogether. Perhaps I am on a path I was meant to be on–spiritually and corporeally.
The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit, and fire.
Sharon Ralls Lemon
As a little girl I was in love with horses. I was mesmerised by dark beautiful flanks and haunting equine eyes watching the films Black Beauty and National Velvet and ached for a horse of my own and wide open fields to ride her in. I remember from as little as five going to the reservation near our house and running ahead of my parents on the trail so, away from their sight, I could mimick the sound of hooves on dirt, creating a rhythmic beat of feet on paths and with my imagination, as I stared straight ahead, I could believe I was sitting atop a horse of my own, meandering down trails on a Saturday afternoon. But I was a suburban girl from an area where reservations were as close to fields as I got and where riding was too expensive to really be possible.
Right before entering middle school I saved up an entire year of allowances and odd jobs money for summer camp riding school which my parents promised I could take if I could earn enough to pay for it. I made just barely the allotment, maybe a little less (and my kindly parents pitched in the remainder) and I remember the heart pounding glee of walking into the barn on that first day of class–the smell of hay in the air and the sound of hooves on the dirt. This was the closest I got to really being anything like the “country horse girl” of my dreams.
Because, as a suburbanite raised person, I am not a country girl. I may be one in spirit or musical orientation, but I have never been able to qualify myself as a bona-fide, born and bred, workin’ boot wearing country girl. I aspired with great adulthood imaginations during my time living in Fort Collins, Colorado, surrounded by pickups, cowboys and horse ranches, but I was never able to bring it to fruition–I lacked any of the practical skills and I could never two-step. The closest I got were a few wonderful rides on horseback through the mountains of Estes Park, care of the local tourist ranches.
I have also, for quite some time, been a great proponent of animal-oriented psychotherapies. I know from personal experience (much the way I do with my own practice of yoga) the healing benefits that can be derived from a relationship with an animal–their silent acceptance free of judgement, their love without conditions, and their quiet ability to intuit emotions and pain in another.
It was my greatest hope to be able to combine my therapeutic practice with an animal oriented approach and even throw in body/mind elements to create innovative holistic practices. The idea of truly being able to bring this to pass just seemed a bit too much to hope for. Well with recent fortuitous events it seems that I may be able to find a way to enter into the amazingly inspiring world of Equine Facilitated Psychotherapy (EFP), which I spoke about briefly in my Friday list from last week.
In this pursuit and active research into the is therapeutic area (I am perhaps a compulsive researcher) I have learned about and ran into some passionate and wonderful people involved in EFP. One thing that I have found, overall, as I explore all of the holistic realms of the complementary therapies is how many amazing and vibrant people there are out there and I am only lucky to have fallen into their path. I am forever grateful for where my passions have led me so far and where they continue to lead me.
I happened upon, this past week, a wonderful little patch of heaven called “Angel Smile Farm” in a rural area of Southern Florida right on the periphery of the metropolitan cities of this Southern tip of the state. This farm is something that replication images could barely do justice to and radiates the kind of beauty and calm that leaves one breathless–at least this “one”. It smells like freshly cut grass and stallions and looks like something out of a glossy equine photo shoot. The front corral is edged with crisp white fence posts that stretch out into the distance. A long sandy path takes you down to an equally crisp white barn with bright mexican blankets and splashes of turquoise and leather that feel quintessentially country with a touch of softness and feminine decor.
The owner is a woman, Maurette, with a friendly laugh, a bold personality, and a passionate heart. She is one of many people I have discovered in a short period of time with a passion for working to heal through horses. She, like myself, is full of hopes and plans and dreams for where this work can go and I only had to see her farm once to fall immediately in love with expanses of blue skies and green fields speckled with palms and rugged Floridian trees. It takes little imagination, even for someone like me who teems with imaginative wells, to imagine such a place being a site for emotional healing or for someone like Maurette to be a person to bring those hopes to fruition.
I am enthused at the prospect of becoming intermingled into this equine world that seems inexhaustible in this area of the world. I have found my home in Florida, in the work that I am doing, and the professional and personal adventures which are following with each step I take.
My dream is to find a way to bring all of these worlds together into a cohesive whole. My teeming imagination envisions a center built on an expanse of land much like the one I discovered and fell in love with this week. A center under which someone could find all manner of holistic treatment–where psychotherapy, yoga therapy, equine facilitated therapy, creative arts therapy, and so many others can work hand-in-hand, collaborating and overlapping at points for the most complete therapeutic healing approach. A place that could help those in emotional need of effecting changes in their whole selves–mind, body, heart, soul.
The more I meet amazing people with passionate hearts full of the same yearning to make change and healing happen whatever it takes, the more confidence I have in a future that includes all of these things. Having met people like Maurette of Angel Smile Farm, Michele of Heal My PTSD, as well as Geri and Penni of Kula for Karma, I become more confident in the potential shifts for the better in the future of healing both locally and nationally.
I wrote in my prior post titled Elephant Tears about elephants experiencing trauma and finding healing again. This post I’ve explored how animals, particularly horses, can assist in human healing. One thing I know, there is something magical in both large majestic creatures–horses and elephants.
There is something intrinsically wild and free watching a herd move. The earth rumbles and they beat out a rhythm only nature could write. Their intrinsic freedom provokes the same in the humans they touch–evoking a strength and invoking a freedom in a person that is potent. Both animals have done muchto help me understand healing in a multidimensional way. Both make my heart race and my soul ache for a taste of what they have inside of them.
Below are some Links to Lists of Therapeutic Riding Centers around the nation enacting this fantastic work of equine facilitated psychotherapy.
*I have no formal knowledge of these centers, this is just meant as a general reference list for those that are interested. See the NARHA website for a comprehensive listing of accredited horse therapy centers.*
NARHA (General Website address: See “CENTERS” link for all variations of links to accredited centers):
EFMHA (Equine Facilitated Mental Health Association):
http://www.narha.org/SecEFMHA/WhatIsEFMHA.asp
Maryland Horse Country Comprehensive Listing of Psychotherapy and Physical Therapy Equine Programs:
http://www.mdhorsesource.com/therapy.htm
NARHA Premier Accredited Centers: (National and International)
http://www.narha.org/Centers/center_status_search.asp
NARHA “Horses for Heroes” Program (for Veterans) with links to nationwide facilities:
http://www.narha.org/Horses%20For%20Heroes/NARHAHorsesforHeroes.asp
Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride,
Friendship without envy,
Or beauty without vanity?
Here, where grace is served with muscle
And strength by gentleness confined
He serves without servility; he has fought without enmity.
There is nothing so powerful, nothing less violent.
There is nothing so quick, nothing more patient.
Ronald Duncan, “The Horse,” 1954
“Each of us has a soul, but we forget to value it…We don’t understand the great secrets hidden inside of us.”
St. Teresa of Avila
One thing I am enjoying as I delve into reading Stephen Cope’s memoir is his reference to mystics of all religions and philosophies as there are so many corollaries between their practices–all meditative, contemplative, and instilled with devoted faithfulness to their chosen practice and spirituality.
He has referenced, also, some of my favorite Christian mystics (although I have favorite mystics from every tradition and honor all of their intense dedication to their life paths) including the anonymous monk author of The Cloud of Unknowing and Teresa of Avila.
Saint Teresa has always had a little place in my heart and soul–and a huge place in my name and naming. I was named twice. Once by nuns in the orphanage in Bogota and once by my parents in New Jersey, but both with the same name and for the same reason. I was born on Teresa of Avila’s Saint’s Day, October 15th, and congrats to us both having celebrated our co-anniversary–mine of life and hers of recognition of great works as a contemplative and mystic within her faith tradition of Christianity.
Something about the fortuitous and coincidental nature of my naming–twice with the same name no less– has led me to believe that I was in some way meant to be a mystic heart. That and the fact that I was always drawn to her writing both for its poetic force and for the meditative content found within.
Contemplatives and mystics the world round talk at some point (and through different linguistics) about the concept of “unknowing”. The book The Cloud of Unknowing perhaps the greatest, at least one of the greatest, literary tomes to this concept was also one of the first, written by a monk in anonymity during the 14th century. It’s focus and much of mystic exploration before and since is on the concept of getting beyond the known, the certainty, the ego, the pride– all of the inherent humanness we learn to cultivate through years of schooling and indoctrination of how we must be certain.
Especially in the modern world we must, above all else, KNOW. Not knowing is weak, not respected, and considered a sign of idiocy. You will be trampled by the powerful and the charismatic if you don’t know. But what if you intentional unknow? What an unfathomable concept. We must know who we are, put our stamp on the world, preach, and shout, and tout what we believe with irrevocable certainty otherwise who will want to listen?
Some of my favorite authors, teachers, philosophers, intellectuals, and spiritual persons in recent years are the ones who have the capacity to be passionate leaders, mentors, and advocates for a cause without touting certainty. They, in fact, vocalize uncertainty–which often makes “the certains” of the world very nervous. But what I have learned as I try (and I emphasize try) to cultivate a more contemplative and meditative mindset is that admitting to and embracing unknowing is one of the most spiritually mature and brave things a person can do.
Unknowing is something we should all work to cultivate. Sure, we have spent a lifetime cultivating knowing, but to be able to let that go, let our hold loosen on what must be certain and leave room for the uncertain would be a brave thing indeed. It would also leave room for all sorts of mystical and meditative surprises that we might have been closed to before.
I know with myself, as well as my trauma clients as a whole, control is one of the hardest things to let go of in trauma healing. After you have endured the worst life and the world has to offer all you have is your personal control–of yourself, of situations, of other people. But, what is essential in learning in attempting to heal from trauma is that, that control is an illusion. We have very little control over things in our lives, and with trauma often the things in ourselves are so out of control we can only maintain them to some small extent. Control is an illusion as is, in many things, knowing.
I will admit it. Giving into unknowing in life is one of the hardest tasks. I study those that have a better grasp on it intently to try to master it piece by piece. I know I have trouble–as I sit latching on, with whitened and braced knuckles, to the little control I like to believe I have over my life–letting that control illusion go.
I know I have trouble, through pride, ego, and learning, to say it is ok not to know and to let go of that mental dynamic I have imprinted in my mind that we must know to be better or more wise. I have a lot to unlearn to become one who can effectively “unknow”.
Unknowing is, perhaps, the hardest part of cultivating a contemplative life and a more yogic sensibility.
I find comfort in exploring other’s journeys on these paths–from the ancient mystics to a fellow psychotherapist and eloquent author like Cope who quotes the same mystics I have quoted, and whom I can watch, through his writing, take his own contemplative journey into self.
Another contemplative for whom I have the greatest admiration is Thomas Keating (a modern Christian contemplative) is perhaps one of the most centered people I have ever encountered personally. His presence is one which evokes calm. Meditating in his presence somehow induces a feeling of being closer to something warm, radiating, and sublime. My experience in meeting him was one of the most spiritually profound I have ever had. He is someone from whom I constantly garner, through his writing and his speaking, more and more insight into myself.
Father Keating once said, “Just by the very nature of our birth, we are on a spiritual journey.” I would add to that, from my personal experience, saying that, “Just by the nature of my naming, I am on a mystic journey.”
“And so I urge you, go after experience rather than knowledge. On account of pride, knowledge may often deceive you, but this gentle, loving affection will not deceive you. Knowledge tends to breed conceit, but love builds. Knowledge is full of labor, but love, full of rest.”
From The Cloud of Unknowing
African proverb: “The ax forgets, the tree remembers.”
Maya Angelou, Even the Stars Look Lonesome, 1997
When I left home for Fort Collins, Colorado at twenty I was running away. Running away from my trauma, my memories of places, memories of the faces that had become blurred, and the history of a life that (at the time) I didn’t want to remember or own. So, I went half way across the nation hoping for geographical healing and what I confronted was everything I left behind. First, subconsciously, through painful mistakes, symptomatic responses in overdrive, and a very unhealthy and volatile relationship. Then, intentionally, when two and a half years into my “new life” and many falls downward I realized that my demons, my ghosts, and my life didn’t disappear just because I did.
I remember sitting in my first trauma therapist’s office and her making me do what I now know to be “The Empty Chair” Technique from Gestalt therapy and just crying all the tears I had been holding in for the person I was before my trauma, for the person I had become after it, and for all of the unnecessary years of guilt and shame I had bestowed on myself. It was a first step on a very long journey that continued to include falling down, but at least it didn’t involve any more running away.
Six months after the afternoon in that office I moved back to New Jersey—to confront myself and my memories in the place from whence they came. I realized once I stopped hiding inside myself I no longer had to hide externally.
On the brink of my move to Florida (just a few months ago) I wanted to make sure for myself that this was a move forward not a fleeing situation. I find myself very attentive to my own self assessment—making sure I am making conscious decisions for viable reasons so as never to fall back into the trunk of my own car on the road of my own life again. Most of me knows this will never happen, but the intellectual part of me just wants to think it through anyway. I realized that in coming back to my hometown and confronting the faces and places that had haunted my mind I had been made free to find my home again. Not home as a place on a map but as a space in my heart.
I found home in my family, my friends, the new memories I created, and those I could let go of by confronting them. I found home, most recently and most poignantly, in marrying my husband: marriage being something I never thought I would do—some for feminist precepts that I held to tightly, but ultimately deep down I think I had cultivated a pervasive fear of trusting someone that implicitly with me—mind, heart, soul, and body.
I found home in this past year in the most intimate way I could—In a family of my own, in love that gives all and allows the heart to receive all, and in learning in another that I could completely trust myself.
I realized in assessing my Florida move motivations that this physical move was essentially just shifting to another point on a map; the real move was a move forward to a life with my family of two plus (now) THREE dogs and an embracing of whatever is to come without fear.
Trauma is like falling to the bottom of the deepest ravine or being pushed off a cliff’s edge into a frigidly cold ocean. It is the hardest thing to climb out of and it takes all the strength you may have and often then a bit more than that. You create new strength and new muscles you never had before in the process and it leaves you with a new sense of fearlessness. Once you have seen the bottom of the coldest ocean and fallen from the highest peak the rest of life’s problems pale in comparison.
Do you have weak points? There are moments. No one is impervious to life or feelings or memories. There are moments when I wake up with a startle or I jump when someone comes up from behind or get a chill when I see a man leering at me, but they are identified and moved beyond—they are not paralyzing and immobilizing like they once were.
I don’t see shadows in my room every time I open my eyes or sleep with the lights on or numb out, block out, or space out to avoid the pain. I do not fear life, fear love, fear touch anymore. I do not hyperventilate and shake from some unknown triggered memory. I do not hate my body (most days J). I do not categorically hate men. I do not wait for the day when the other shoe will drop or anticipate my world falling out from under me.
I can move and move on without carting all that past pain around with me. I can talk about healing from my own perspective as well as from my “therapist” chair. I can, when hard days come (quoting, randomly,“Sex and the City”): “Breathe and reboot.” I can find my center, find my quiet mind, find my yogic self that can take life in. I can let the past go enough so that I can keep breathing, breathing deeper, and breathing in this new life, new move, new dog, and whatever else is next.
I will never run away again. And I will keep remembering to run without fear into my future.
Experience is not what happens to you;
it’s what you do with what happens to you.
Adlous Huxley
* MY STORY to be continued tomorrow with the post “Full of Sound and Fury: A Survivor’s Tale”. *
“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is a daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”
Mahatma Ghandi
flickr photo “Meditation” from hkoppdelay
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