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“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.”
 
T.S. Eliot, “Little Gidding”
 
 
I find that I am particularly bipolar in my mood when heading into a new year–I am filled with both gratitude for what was and anticipation for what could be while at the same time feeling sullenly sub-par considering the ‘could haves, would haves’, and worrying if I can live up to my projected goals for what is to come.  My husband is particularly fond of this newly discovered layer of my inner self–really, overjoyed even.  He wants me to “explain” the hows and whys of my feelings.  As an ex-philosophy major he makes my head hurt with his logic equations, in which most of my emotional meanderings have no place.   
 
 
Last night I was surrounded in a particularly prickly and heavy quilt of my own melancholy as all the yesterdays and tomorrows swam in my head.  Besides all of the cerebral churning my belly was also preoccupied with aches and pains that were endometriosis in origin.  So, preoccupied as I was, I found myself grumpy and ill at 9:00pm stumbling towards the bathroom.  In the dark I clumsily flicked the light switch and simultaneously saw and felt a giant waterbug (cuddly term for a roach on steroids) scurry over my foot and towards the opposite wall, searching for darkness.  I screamed something in the four-letter word department and my husband came running with concern, until he found out why, and then he was less than impressed by the trauma of it all. 
 
 
So it got me thinking, much as it seems most of God’s Floridian creatures have done these last few months, inspiring posts and metaphors galore.  I lay, minutes after my experience, covered with blankets, a beagle-pug sentry named Gaia who had willingly been roped into the comfy king-sized bed to watch over me, ready to pounce on anything roachy that might have decided to follow me back to my “safe place”.  I started thinking that it doesn’t matter too much how good things are, how safe we feel, how much we have planned for the way things will be or should be because into every life a few roaches must crawl.  
 
 
I can kick myself over what was and wish for a better what will be but in total this year has been amazing and how dare I diminish my life, myself, and my experiences by focusing on the roaches in the mix.  So I am going to take the path of the lovely post today “Gratitude” over at Ms. Nona’s blog and consider the positive and list it out…because I love a chance for a list!
 
 
This Year I am Grateful For:
 
 
1.  Marrying my wonderful, roach killing, husband not once but twice!
 
2.  The honor of recieving NYU’s Outstanding Recent Alumna Award for my Complementary Therapies with Trauma Survivors (thank you alma mater).
 
3.  Moving to a beautiful place in which the most wonderful new adventures have begun and people met (and where there is no ugly cold winters!).
 
4.  My work and how it metamorphasizes and expands at every new step into even more wonderful ideas and creative approaches.
 
5.  Finally deciding to write the book that has been a long time in procrastination and topic determination.
 
6.  Following my passions wherever they lead me–in love, in work, in relationship, in spirituality, and every other crevice of my life.
 
7.  Being able to start therapeutic groups in Yoga, Equine Facilitated Psychotherapy, and Creative Arts (multimedia) & being given wonderful opportunities to speak about my belief in the value of these approaches.
 
8.  Finding space to breathe in my body, mind, heart, and soul and finally putting old ghosts to rest.
 
 
Namaste and Happy Holidays to All!  Explore your own gratitude and don’t let your “woulds and shoulds” hold you back or metaphoric/literal roaches keep you down!
 

I am now entering the final stage of pre-deployment, as it were. While moving to the beach along the southern Florida coastline is by no means a military deployment preparation from the known to the unknown involves similar preparatory work: saying goodbyes being the most difficult and taxing even when compared with packing and unpacking. Goodbyes are laden with a semblance of uncertainty because strong ties hold through time and space but the weaker tend to fall by the wayside & assessing our lives, relationships, and human connections for staying power is a loaded element of relocation.

Packing and unpacking also had a metaphoric and symbolic weight that exceeds cardboard boxes and packing tape. We pack our lives, ourselves, our strengths, our weaknesses, our habits, and personal histories with us wherever we go. This fact was of great shock to me when, at 20 years of age, I sought, for various reasons, to escape my life, my memories, my patterns of behavior, and ultimately my self in its entirety in Colorado.

I learned the hard way, as was my nature during that time, that there is no such “relocation cure” and with time and some pain I was forced to come to terms and confront myself and am forever grateful for the lesson learned. I retain a great affinity for Colorado with it’s great expansive fields, neverending skies, and crisp white jagged peaks for being (maybe by happenstance) a place of resolution between me & my inner self.

I was watching the movie “Finding Neverland” the other night which illustrates the plight of one man–the creator of Peter Pan, as played by Johnny Depp–searching for his happiness and he does so through imagination and a return childlike world view. I think a universal human plight is for inner peace and a sense of happiness: moments and glimmer may glisten in our lives, in the right light it may even glow, but living in the chaos of the world it is difficult to retain.

Finding neverland is fleeting, keeping neverland is the real work and I believe for even the most contemplative mind and open heart it is a lifetime’s journey.

I am constantly working, as a contemplative neophite, just to find the momentary rays of bright white light and hang on for the brief moment to the peace it can bring to be in a true state of calm.

As a moving meditation yoga is a dance with this light. It is a learned practice to help facilitate communication with the self: mind, body, heart, soul. And if nothing else, moving to a new place or stage pf life having packed all the parts of ourselves from strengths to weaknesses if we have a contemplative practice or a yogic practice it is a lifevest we can unpack & use to stay afloat as we shift through change and the uncertain.

I hope that I can enact this for myself. I have a huge propensity towards confronting newness with frenetic paces: I tend to run a 50 yard dash & lose my stamina fast. I hope that I can learn from my life and my patterns and the lessons of my life.

Professionally and cerebrally I know the importance of self care–I tout it it coworkers and clients alike. Through meditative and yogic practices I know the soothing and healing nature of stillness and internal communication in silence. If I can take what I know cerebrally and what I’ve felt experientially I think it has profound potential to help me adapt: to give me a lifevest for strange new waters.

I just discovered a few days ago that although I am moving next Friday and my husband is coming with me due to some issues with transfer paperwork he will not be moving with me at present with an indefinite timeline for us ahead.

Adapting to change is what I need to do and I will take any lifevest available to me.

June 2020
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